If your avoidant partner backs away from intimacy or talks more about independence, freedom and self-reliance than they do about you, it may be time to consider if you’re dating an avoidant.
If you’re willing to do some work to address these behaviors, it can be possible for you and your partner to have a healthy relationship.
Signs
Avoidant partners often have trouble showing intimacy and can be erratic in their behavior, such as when your boyfriend says he needs space. They may become friendly and vulnerable one day, then withdraw or aloof again. This is because they have learned through their childhood experiences that people can’t be relied upon for affection and closeness. They are also afraid of becoming dependent and losing their independence. If they are too reliant on their partner, they can feel like they’re being taken advantage of and can’t trust that their needs will be met. 
If you are with an avoidant partner, they may tell you that they love you but only infrequently and without emotion. They are hesitant to make long-term plans or commit to their relationship because they fear the loss of their independence. They are also averse to discussing sensitive topics like finances, vacations and business, and may only tell you what they plan to do after it has already happened. They may be stingy with physical affection and only show it to you during sex.
They are also unable to express their emotions or beliefs as openly as anxious preoccupied or securely attached partners do. They will often do this in smaller doses, whether through actions or non-verbal cues or by communicating with you via text or email. They will also have a hard time admitting when they are wrong.
In relationships, avoidant partners are able to maintain their independence by using a variety of mechanisms to control the relationship. They can sulk, act childishly, become picky or critical, anything to push their mate away and keep them from getting too close. They will also be reluctant to discuss their feelings because they fear revealing that they are afraid or worried, which can lead to arguments and hurt feelings.
If you are dating an avoidant partner, it is important to clearly communicate your feelings and needs. They may be slow to understand your point of view, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care. They just need time to get on your wavelength and may need a lot of patience as they work to trust you and develop the necessary skills to show vulnerability.
Symptoms
Avoidant partners often feel overwhelmed by intimacy and are quick to find reasons to not open up. They may have a checklist of near-impossible standards for a partner, ensuring that no one can measure up, dampening feelings and slowing a relationship’s growth. They’re also sensitive to criticism and often find it hard to trust others.
Unlike anxious-attachers, who tend to seek reassurance and affirmation from their partners, avoidants tend to disengage when things get rocky. This can be confusing, especially if they’re not clear about their intentions. It can even seem like they’re deliberately giving mixed signals.
For example, they might be overly cautious around strangers but become more intimate with their friends. It’s important to keep in mind that this is a normal part of the process of dating an avoidant person, but it can cause you to think that something is wrong.
They may have an ex they’re constantly complaining about or thinking about. This person is usually a projection of their own insecurities. They may also be quick to blame you for the conflict or argue that they’re not the one at fault.
Another common symptom is their resistance to spending time with family or friends. While it’s healthy to have some distance from your significant other, you don’t want them to be so distant that you can’t spend time with the people who are most important to you.
Meeting family and friends can be a huge deal for an avoidant person, especially if they haven’t met them before. They might feel uncomfortable during the entire meeting and will likely try to avoid it whenever possible. If they’re roped into going, they will most likely be uneasy the whole time.
It’s common for avoidant people to pair up with anxious-attachers, which creates a push-pull dynamic. Anxious-attachers seek reassurance and affirmation from their partner, while avoidants will pull away or make vague statements. This can trigger anxiety in both partners and lead to confusion and frustration. However, if you can understand that your partner has an avoidant attachment style and are aware of the potential problems, you can help them improve their relationship.
Treatment
People with avoidant attachment styles can have a very confusing relationship. One day they might be warm and affectionate, while the next they’re distant and aloof. This is often caused by an underlying fear of rejection and unresolved trauma from their childhood.
It’s important to be patient and understanding if you’re dating an avoidant person. In some cases, therapy or counseling may be able to help them work through their anxiety about intimacy. If your partner is open to this, you can try working on communication and building trust together. You can also learn more about their attachment style to better understand their behavior and feelings.
Be careful about giving an avoidant partner too much attention and make sure that you keep up with your own hobbies and interests. This will prevent you from becoming clingy, which can trigger their distancing behaviors. It’s also a good idea to communicate your own needs and wants in the relationship clearly and honestly. This will encourage them to do the same.
When your avoidant partner starts to open up and become more vulnerable, this is a good sign that they are starting to trust you. Be sure to respond positively and let them know that you appreciate their efforts. Encourage them to talk more about their emotions, but don’t bombard them with questions or criticize them if they become defensive.
Often, people with avoidant attachments are very sensitive to criticism and will need reassurance that you love them no matter what. They can also have a hard time recognizing their own feelings, so they may not even realize that they’re feeling angry or anxious.
People with an avoidant attachment style can feel overwhelmed by intimacy, so they’re reluctant to commit to a long-term relationship. They might even sabotage their relationships to prevent getting hurt or being abandoned. If you’re dating an avoidant person, you can help them move past their fears by being patient and supportive. You can also encourage them to find a therapist who specializes in attachment issues and interpersonal relationships. Couples counseling can also be a useful resource for couples with avoidant partners.
Relationships with Avoidants
An avoidant will likely struggle to express feelings in a healthy way. Their fear and emotional overwhelm will manifest as flat, dismissive or even non-existent reactions. They may be reluctant to make long-term plans or talk about their future in a relationship, as they are always looking for a way out. They also may struggle to identify their own emotions and have a hard time telling whether they are feeling angry, sad or happy.
Intimate relationships require a balance of closeness and distance, interdependence and autonomy. Healthier couples move between these poles at various times, with both partners seeking out intimacy and independence at different points in the relationship. Intimacy with an avoidant will only happen when they are able to allow themselves to be close and share their feelings, which is not easy for them.
They will often prefer a high level of admiration and affection from their partner, but will be afraid to risk being hurt by rejection. They will sabotage the relationship when they feel that they are at risk of being left, by becoming childish, angry or sullen. They will fantasize about past relationships or become obsessed with their freedom and independence.
While they may be good friends, their insecurity and massive lack of self-esteem will prevent them from ever being a romantic partner. They will friend-zone you rather than commit to a relationship and will often say things like “I want to keep you around as a friend” or “friendship is more important than romance.”
It is possible to date an avoidant and have a healthy relationship, but it takes work and patience. Understanding their attachment style will help you to communicate with them in a way that is respectful of their needs and boundaries. Don’t push for physical or emotional intimacy because this will only make them retreat more, but be patient and understand that they will need time and space to open up. It is also helpful to let them know that you care about them in non-invasive ways, such as making them a nice dinner or watching their favorite movie.
